“Suicide. It’s something I’ve been thinking about. Not too seriously, but I have been thinking about it.”
That’s the note. Word for word. And I know it’s word for word because I wrote it dozens of times before delivering it. I’d write it, throw it away, write it, crumple it up, throw it away.
But why was I writing it to begin with? I asked myself that question every time I printed the words onto a new sheet of paper. Why was I writing this note? It was a lie. I hadn’t been thinking about it. Not really. Not in detail. The thought would come into my head and I’d push it away.
But I pushed it away a lot.”
“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be.
And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
It’s all crap.
Living is crap.
Life has no meaning.
None. Nowhere to be found.
Why doesn’t anybody realize this?”
“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn’t have.
A solution. A remedy. Anything.
…I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.
Somehow I knew I deserved this.”
“The thought that I might kill myself formed in my mind coolly as a tree or a flower.”
“It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.”
“Killing myself was a matter of such indifference to me that I felt like waiting for a moment when it would make some difference.”
“We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.”
“The parts of me that used to think I was different or smarter or whatever, almost made me die.”
“If wild my breast and sore my pride, I bask in dreams of suicide, If cool my heart and high my head I think ‘How lucky are the dead.”
“When you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.”
“Suicide, is a persons privilege. I don’t believe it’s a sin or a crime it’s your right if you do. Though it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
“There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.”
“In the meantime, I could withdraw to my room, could hide and sleep as if I were dead”