“She loved him. But he didn’t know how to love.
He could talk about love. He could see love and feel love. But he couldn’t give love.
He could make love. But he couldn’t make promises.
She had desperately wanted his promises.
She wanted his heart, knew she couldn’t have it so she took what she could get.
Temporary bliss. Passionate highs and lows. Withdrawal and manipulation.
He only stayed long enough to take what he needed and keep moving.
If he stopped moving, he would self-destruct.
If he stopped wandering, he would have to face himself.
He chose to stay in the dark where he couldn’t see.
If he exposed himself and the sun came out, he’d see his shadow.
He was deathly afraid of his shadow.
She saw his shadow, loved it, understood it. Saw potential in it.
She thought her love would change him.
He pushed and he pulled, tested boundaries, thinking she would never leave.
He knew he was hurting her, but didn’t know how to share anything but pain.
He was only comfortable in chaos. Claiming souls before they could claim him.
Her love, her body, she had given to him and he’d taken with such feigned sincerity, absorbing every drop of her.
His dark heart concealed. She’d let him enter her spirit and stroke her soul where everything is love and sensation and surrender.
Wide open, exposed to deception.
It had never occurred to her that this desire was not love.It was blinding the way she wanted him.
She couldn’t see what was really happening, only what she wanted to happen.
She suspected that he would always seek to minimize the risk of being split open, his secrets revealed.
He valued his soul’s privacy far more than he valued the intimacy of sincere connection so he kept his distance at any and all costs.
Intimacy would lead to his undoing—in his mind, an irrational and indulgent mistake.
When she discovered his indiscretions, she threw love in his face and beat him with it.
Somewhere deep down, in her labyrinth, her intricacy, the darkest part of her soul, she relished the mayhem.
She felt a sense of privilege for having such passion in her life.
He stirred her core.
The place she dared not enter.
The place she could not stir for herself.
But something wasn’t right.
His eyes were cold and dark.
His energy, unaffected.
He laughed at her and her antics, told her she was a mess.
Frantic, she looked for love hiding in his eyes, in his face, in his stance, and she found nothing but disdain.
And her heart stopped.”
I read those raw and real lines with eyes fulled with tears but Later on, in another quote of the book G.G. Renee Hill reveals the healing secret:
“If she is to love life and freedom and be brave then she must learn to let go. To see beauty without clinging to it, to feel pain without holding it hostage, and to feel love without worry of losing it.”
― The Beautiful Disruption
And she finishes with a very inspiring advice for life during an interview over the book saying :
“This is not a race. This is not a race. Your journey has been designed just for you. Your lane has been paved so that your unique contribution to the world would make a difference in its own time.
Don’t get caught up in time. It is easy to think you should have it all at this moment, but coming from personal experience, I can see that each moment brought me to where I am right now. Even as I am writing this book.
The best thing you can do with your time right now is use it to create, and do what you love. You are not too old or too young. As long as you are alive, the time is now.”
I can proudly say that G.G. Renee Hill is an inspiration for all the crazy beautiful complex free creative weird love drunk woman fighting their inner conflicts 🙂
The Beautiful Disruption walks you through the mind of a woman journeying through self-actualization, self-discovery and self-reflection. So very few are willing to share and explore their inner-most feelings on this level, but this free verse book does that beautifully! Very relatable… must read!!